Lonliness...

Lonliness...
The doors closed upon me
I had doors on all four sides
As a veil of darkness descended
My feet shook and the earth
Thundered upwards
gravity was defied
I gasped, I tried to unshackel
The cask shrunk even more
My tears now bedewed it,
and/till
a hand held mine
And pushed everything back
Their way.

Friends...

Today when i put words to paper
why does it seem scribbling in the ether?
a question
as the mark suggests
the answer though
is hard to elicit
i am alone if that suffices
words dessert if that
is acceptable as premises'
but then somebody's got to read
my lonely lament/that solitary tear
so i put to paper
all that i have always feared
an admission;
my choices have gone awry
alone i stand uncertain/weary
let me reach the pier unknown
with not four to carry and fake 
lament
i shall burn an anonymous soul
it is better to die unknown
than have a "horde of farcical souls"
to proffer that fake lifeless mourn.

oneness

Do I have to close my eyes to see you?

Or speak a few revered lines to tell you?

You who infuse every breath that I consume

I am what, but a part of you; on cessation

Between birth and fume.

…Courting him …


The dichotomy of death is evident in its ability to brood life almost instantaneously.

Ishani Doshi lost her husband of 45 year’s to a singular whim of his heart; the obstinacy of it to breathe one more time. Death enwrapped Mr. Doshi in its gargantuan arms leaving his soul to be born again to Mrs.Ishani Doshi.Papa was born again albeit in her memories and continues to breathe, nurture, grow and shall persevere till the time, she goes about the usual business of living herself. He is nestled in her memoirs and she would never be able to abandon him ever, not even for an instant.

It’s been almost four year’s now, on each and every day of these long years, I have heard the singular echo of my mother’s heart reverberating the plurality of my fathers heart beats. The sudden spurts of tears that slip through her hazy eyes are as frequent in occurrence; as a summer sun. The melancholy gestating in her is all too audible in the sad cadences of her voice.

Her face though, invariably lights up shedding the despondency when the conversation more often than not is related to papa. The revelry with which she talks about his varied traits is swathed with love and care; which for some reason she never expressed when he was with us. So now when she elicits the countless nuances of his persona, the plethora of stories that laced his simple staid life, I am truly befuddled and in so search the reasons of her not talking about him with such passion earlier, perchance, she is living a more intense life with his memories, than she could ever live with him!

There are good days and there are bad days and there are days that lie somewhere in between, on these days the realities of life catches up with mum, although metaphysically papa is there, there is a certain urge for him to be there physically too. As she splits the strips of prescribed medication one by one and assembles a dose for herself, it appears that she strips life in fragments and searches for the reasons to keep on living, her eyes well up, her shoulders droop, and the aimlessness of life without papa weighs on her. But then she surprises me with her resilience again, she summons the kids (her two grandchildren) embracing them ever so tightly, showering them with kisses, lavishing sweets and gifts and pampering them to the hilt. As if papa whispered in her ears, and imposed on her the belief, that the smile on her grandchildren’s faces is worth living for.

Though not conservative or orthodox in terminology, I always revered my parents; to me they were too puritan and hence I could never congregate the courage to trespass into their collective lives with an array of question that a kid may put up. that’s the reason when one day, mum, in an impromptu narration blurted, about, how papa courted her, after seeing her for the very first time and finally married her; admittedly! I was shocked at her revelations, but was pleased to see the glint of frivolity in her tear laden eyes as she spoke about it all.

I am intrigued by that sight of hers till date and somewhere in my heart I am sure, that it’s mum who is courting papa now and he is the one who is playing hard to get!

Truth n Dare.

Its almost One at night , sitting in the patio ,
on the brink of exhaustion ; we four friends
still wine and dine..
While the three of them play cards , I fix
myself a drink , a book in hand , legs
stretched read and unwind..

There a few yards from us is sitting a
group of four couples ; young , effervescent
sloshed , hooked in love? maybe i presume..
Few yards that's it ; A generation lets face it,
not wanting to pry , they talk in a pitch inebriated
and high , heady guys with a heady life : to them
god has been to kind!!surely i assume..

Truth n Dare is their game , been frens for years;
there is hardly much to bare..
Sitting there i for a bit am enchanted , same game
us old forgotten players ; life is so not fair..

They dare and bare , i hear and am almost there,
almost there is though too much , they are
living a life , I've lost in the grind; when
truth was bread and earning it a dare..

No sooner i realized , nostalgia leaves
you no where , its fun if you smile and say;
Cheers!! life's great n thank god it isn't a scare.

Set and Rise.

The sky is thick , not a single star pops out,
The moon has a day off ; perhaps for a night
it has other places to shine..

The water still n placid , the gentle Breeze
tired by the days efforts ; has lost its breadth
with it its will too ,Its romance with the
water has ceased ; surprised!! its only nine..

The hills overpowering , the trees on its skin
vivid and vibrant , having played with the
sunlight the entire day are veiled..

The boats after their days efforts to
plough the placid lake are back fatigued
Would have to work again ;their days efforts
wasted with not much yeild..

I am sitting at the deck ,with freinds and
without them ; observant , analytical , injesting
all ; for i dont know? when to expect the night
to dawn on me and the sun never to rise again..

It will , It will , It shall happen someday
till then i am happy to set and rise again.

Perception.

A simple staid life
Friends,family,work
All was taken care.

Deep inside though
Buried a perception
Few lines , a sketch
not yet fully made ;
perchance its a face.

A face perennial ,endearing
metaphysical ,ambrosial
and chaste ,nested since
childhood ,hid behind the
scarlet blood in thy veins.

In life's race and its fast pace
Sometimes in sorrow and in pain
Sometimes in happiness and
when gay
Unoccluded it usurps
Even if for a wink i am
able to have my way.

Years roll by and Glimpses
Of it is what i get
I search ,scratch try
to beget.
With wistful eyes
i look around
Athwarted i Search
The verdant ground.


Alas!!someday i will
see the face
An old bard then :
I shall finally have
my grace

QUATRAINS.

Randomly picked up from VIKRAM SETH'S poems these quatrains are my way of expressing emotions within the constraint of four lines..:)


PROMISE.


I will be cheery ,funny ,and bright..
Not a word dull ,morass ,of past i will remind..
I shall floor you with my humour and wit..
For how to keep the tears inside,i have finally learnt d trick.


BEWARE.


My love..I love your beady eyes,I love the lock of falling hair.
I love those high cheekbones,I love the pouting lips and no nose ware.
I am lost in the mole below your chin,For i find it rare.
Please don't play wid my heart,For in love i ain't acquiesced wid d phrase beware.


DOOR.


Two worlds on either side of the door,gaping at it i am not sure.
Relative safety of the abode i am in,safe and secure behind the enormous shut door.
Unsure of what to expect,convinced of a world grotesque n basilisk i dare.
Unpenitent;i step wid my kiddie toes,its my first step; n instantly i am a kid no more.


INTERPRETATIONS.


The message count drops from fifty to five..
A call a day just to keep things kicking and alive..
Few minutes you have,Fewer minutes you share and confide..
Love is somewhere lost ,sweetheart;and that's what you are trying to hide.


PENDULUM.


Dangling steps left and right,the trapeze artist walks a tight line..
With every step,drawing ooh,aah and sighs..
Vacillating in step and in memory..
For moving on is his only choice ,life ain't stationery.


GET UP.


Hey get up; its time for your feed, hey get up; you are late for ur school.
Hey get up; interview lined up, Hey get up; its a date you fool.
Hey get up; its just an hour n u will be married soon , hey a son it is; get up don't sleep.
Hey get up; the cycle continues, till one day; its no more getting up , and all sit and weep.


GODS LOVE.


Yes he loves us,Yes he loves us ,God loves us;we all hear and say..
In joy and despair,we ought to be the same..
Accept the troubles smile,strive and pray..
For all his love;God knows just to give and never lay a claim.

Presence!!

On a searing, parched summer afternoon,
Sheltered in my home,lazying around i
lie stretched on the turf covered with
a walnut wooden layer..
Bright, bloodshot sun rays sieve through
the roman blinds,the air conditioner
bellows gusts of cool air,nostalgia is
so there..

Your swathed memories, omnipresent,
assertive, reluctant to leave..
Maybe once i am asleep;this wave of
thoughts would cede..

Closing my eyes tight, usurping the
bed sheet to hide, i try try try..
Sleep seems perfidious, your thoughts
just do not disappear, tears roll on,
and i cry cry cry.

Homeless

A shred of land on an obscure distant place.
brick placed on brick, cement sprayed,
slowly and slowly the wall layed takes shape
in delight..
Months of toil and i am finally sheltered
on all four sides, chin up i still see the
barren sky on a dull grey starless night..

Back bend, legs ache in rheumatic pain,
the struggle the strife, the toil,in pursuit
to earn the bricks,has inexorably taken
its toll..
In angst i cry and emote a million times;
surely my body ,cant take no more..

Bit by Bit the roof needs to be thatched,
so as it may occlude me from the searing
sun and its blistering U V rays..
Day after Day i sleep and wake up in
hope of a few sunless days..

Meal only once; litres of water drunk,
my puku felt like a pool, in need and
in so much missing just a healthy trout..
It felt like months,years,or the entire
life; i have surely lost the count..

Finally, I surely cant be dreaming, as i
pinch myself, eyes open and am searching
for the sky..
This entire life its been the only Friend,
whose never left my sight,feeling betrayed,
i still stare, till sanity strikes again..

The earthiness of the land that is but my
and my own,the safety of four walls,
the surety of the thatched roof,
teardrops trickle down my eyes,
hands in unison join,gathering the
will i put my dry parched tongue to work,
say a prayer and thank the lord..
For a homeless finally has a home
which he can proudly call his own.

love sighted!!

Its almost 11.15 in the night , i have reached at a friends place
to accompany him to drop his girlfriend who had been visiting him
for a couple of days.. Its 14th of feb.. yup its valentines day,
the train is scheduled to depart at 11.30pm leaving us with just
15 minutes to load up and reach the station, fasten your seat belts
i declare n race towards the railway station,we reach there
with just about few minutes to spare,hurriedly they got off the car
and it is time for good byes,as she turned to wave a bye to me i
noticed something , something in her eyes that caught my imagination
and held my attention almost instantly.. her eyes seemed to me ,
as two large emoticons : precise in the emotion that they wanted to put forth..
An emotion so cherished and sought after by each and everyone of us..
An emotion which though has no defination and yet is the defining
feeling in the world.. That particular expression i saw in her eyes,
begs on me to be audacious enough and write about it.. and emboldens me to
term it as "love"..

It was a sight!! A sight to see two people in love and one leaving..

The moistness in ones eyes and the urgency in one's face ; trying
to conceal and deceive one and sundry of the pain he was going through..

One leaving wanting to carry all ; and the other wanting to give
more than what one could carry..

One carrying the love that the other had given ; and the other
impervious to the love he had and could have yet given..

One wanting to hold on to times ; and the other
wanting to carry the times within thyself..

One piqued at the imperativeness
to leaving ; and one piqued at the need for the other to be imperative..

One who has not much baggage but yet has weight ; and the other
who finds it heavy to carry the weight that the other is leaving behind..

Sometimes just a sigh can express more than a whole sermon.. all that
i felt and saw in their eyes at that instant touched me to the
core and still rankles me when i write this..

I do hope and pray for the trueness of their emotions to always stay there
and the burden of their respective blurred future prospects does not cast a
veil on their relationship, that ought to be so so cherished..
Words fail me in putting forth the exact picture , but even with jagged
edges and obscurity of vision that mite impair anyone who reads this..
One thing is for sure ; to fall in love and the love to be requited by
the lover is just divine!!

Lonely..and not liking it!

Its a day i am feeling lonely!! Its one of those days..that most of us go through ,experience ,grapple and with a temeritous effort come out of; its an interplay of emotionry bonds ,that we all are bound by.

Sitting in my office with little work to attend to, much to think about and wanting not to think at all..my mind to me: seems to be the antithesis to my heart.Perhaps life is living up to an old adage.."life is a bitch "and today its seeming to be every bit of it and more.

There is a dense fog which has engulfed the city, on this very cold January Monday, but a far condescend smog seems to have encapsulated the very soul of me today.there is nothing and no one in sight to help abate the emptiness,that i am sinking into.

Friends on certain days ,the mind becomes so ambivalent to the course that the heart ought to take, that it meekly surrenders to the whims of the impetuous heart, that almost all of us carry within us.

On days such as today..life to me seems to appear in rags and pieces , pieces of it that i have so blatantly ignored; parts of it so knowingly not accepted.the utter formlessness of life scares me,the infirmity more evident and striking than it ever was.

At times the intricacies inherent in our character ,make themselves more palpable, and in a way obfuscate the very basic and unambiguous aspects of our lives.

Not to be read with a muzzy approach , there is a reason for me to write this today; Its a reason i cannot write about , cannot talk about , but still the predicament needs to be penned :in hope of being felt ,related and understood by countless of us who have in time been in this preposterous position , once or many a times .

As many a metaphors , i may heap and stack , to express what i am going through ,but still cannot with certainty say, what is the reason and why is it hurting sooo much .

Perhaps i am missing someone,or missing a beat ,desperately want to smile again , be the chirpy self once again and love what life has to offer once again..

अमन..

Let us citizens of India and Pakistan dare...
Take steps to come close and share...

Let the world sit up and take notice...
The bond though dormant:is still alive n there...

Why wait till the doomsday comes and stares us in the eye...
How nice it would be ,if with time on our hands,we realize;
Join hands and give it a fitting reply...

I am a Sikh with roots in Pakistan ,you maybe a Muslim with seeds sown in India...
But perhaps its time for us to realize,humanity is by what we both imbibe...
And it knows no names : Pakistan or India for it; is all the same...

For all the wars that we have fought..
Its high time we gave peace a shot...

If the heart wills, how difficult would it be; for the eyes to meet and gleam..
If the heart wills, how difficult would it be; for the smiles to reciprocate and radiate...
If the heart wills, how difficult would it be; for the hands to move,stretch and embrace...

Lets make our hearts will, and ordain miracles to happen!!

Even if its not snow

As the mercury dips and the sun slips....

The freezing wind blows n it seems so utterly cold....

The dew falls as if it were snow..
.
The olfactory senses get cramped;n one says oh.oh.ohh....

Hardly any birds fly n still fewer people ply....

The fog casts its veil n the vehicles halt n screitch....

Mufler around my neck....

Caps, sweater, Jeans, Shoes..and i am set....

The car is there to drive, but i say the bike is the perfect ride....

Today i want to flyyyy..and leave the others to just plyyy....

Just dew.., havnt ever felt snow....

Its the nearest to it ;i am quite sure....

The sunless day and the stinging breeze wid dew in tow....

Ridding the bike i shiver and bow....

As i tuck and bow, i smile and glow....

For i realize : I am happy even if its not snow!!